Friday, January 30, 2009

Workin' for the Weekend

Hello, world. It's Friday. Funny thing about being a cat -- Friday is not quite as exciting when you don't ever have to go anywhere. Weekends for me are just a little bit noisier than weekdays. Still, though, they're cozy -- because, you know, I'm a cat.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Cat Suit

One of the great joys of being a cat is the suit. It's not as if we're always wearing pyjamas, we are always wearing pyjamas. And a blanket.

Are there drawbacks? Sure. For example, on occasion I have wished for a second suit that I might wear in the summer months -- peut-ĂȘtre something light and airy like a sundress -- or maybe an earth tone suit for an evening of back'ands all over the town. As it stands I look like I'm always dressed for a very Halloween-ish pyjama party.

Before I continue, allow me to diffuse what I've just written. Truth be told, it's an exceedingly rare occurrence that I have thought of acquiring a second suit. I fully recognize my splendor and would have to be a...a dog not to appreciate and even flaunt my gifts.

So where were we? Ah, the suit. As you can see in my photo, it's magnificent. Were I to put it in terms people might understand it would be as follows -- imagine a cold and snowy morning. You have just woken and discovered that you don't have any place you have to be. As if by magic, your bed has been remade with freshly-laundered flannel sheets still warm from the dryer. Your pyjamas are flannel too and every movement you make brings a little bit of static heat, warming you to the core as you drift further into a pleased slumber. Being a cat with a magnificent suit is like being hugged by God.

...and you wonder why we sleep 2/3 of our lives...

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Sea Kittens

After my (tasteful) tirade about the Spaghetti Cat yesterday, I hesitate to write about anything negative (My Schubert promise to you is that tomorrow's column will be gripe-free), but then there's this sea kitten thing...

For any who aren't aware, PETA has launched a campaign to re-imagine or rename fish as "sea kittens" in the hopes that people will stop eating them.

I agree with the goal. I don't think people should eat fish anyway -- more for me, right? The problem is that people are going to continue to eat fish, but if the campaign is successful they'll make the cognitive leap along with PETA and will think of fish as sea kittens. Forgive me for not being thrilled at the thought of Catholics lining up for a Friday sea kitten fry during lent.

Troubling, isn't it?

Look, PETA, let's keep things in perspective. Maybe start small, like say with sea cucumbers. Maybe if you're able to get folks to acknowledge that they're animals (who are capable of disturbing defensive measures), they'll not want to name them after food.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves, though, and expect that the elevated status of cats should be used for other animals' gain. It's bad enough that we can't vote. Please refrain from dragging us down in some kind of misguided attempt to bring up some other creature. If fish want to improve their image, they'll do it on their own. Just like we cats have.

I do agree with whomever declined to try to reimagine fish as Sea Puppies. We all know dogs are filthy and the thought of a bunch of dogs teeming and seething in our waterways is enough to make me puke on a couch. Or in a doorway.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Spaghetti, huh?

As evidenced by my sporadic blogging schedule as of late, I've not been online much. As a result, a few Internet trends have come and gone without my notice and/or commentary. And while it would seem that the boat has been missed on some of these trends, a few deserve mention. Bear in mind, this will not become an Internet review -- for example, though 'Rick-Rolling' is amusing to some, it's not appropriate for this forum.

So where were we? Ah...the spaghetti cat. Specifically this spaghetti cat:

Okay. So let's have a look at this photo. What's right? By that I mean: what in this photo represents an accurate depiction of a Schubert cat's dining habits? What does the photo represent innacurately?

Let's start with what works. Some in the audience might think it's funny that this Schubert is eating off of a plate. Some might think it's even more amusing that the Schubert is sitting at a table. Ha.

Hey, I can't decide what's funny for you. For me, though, there's really nothing funny about one of the first realistic depictions on television of how Schuberts should be fed each meal, every day. So what works in the photo isn't that it's funny to see a cat sitting at a table, eating off of a plate. Rather the image works because it offers a powerful statement in favor of allowing Schubert cats to eat at the table.

What doesn't work? Well, for one, there's no sauce on the spaghetti. Cher Maman knows better than anyone that Schuberts have a great affinity for red sauce. When I was a kitten, Maman was nonplussed to find me half-buried in her freshly prepared sauce. Had I simply been tasting it, I could have said that I was making sure it was safe for her, but I was all in and loving it. This would have been embarassing for a lesser creature to be sure.

More than the sauce, though, is this: By featuring a Schubert in the photo, the intended comic effect was missed. We Schuberts are majestic, regal creatures. A photo of a Schubert sitting at a table and eating a meal is not funny any more than a photo of a well-dressed woman sitting in an exquisitely appointed table is funny. A photo of a slovenly, uncouth man sitting in a fancy restaurant -- well, now we're getting a little more toward comedy.

I know of a certain buttercream tabby who might sit for such a photo and it would be hilarious. In fact, the mere thought of Marc-Claude sitting for a meal has me laughing (daintily, bien sur) out loud. So if the idea is for the photo to be funny, the cat should be something other than a Schubert. Otherwise, it's a (much-needed) political statement.

Friday, January 23, 2009

An Interesting Question

Though T-shirts are typically an arena for dogs -- because they lack the simple dignity to protest being squeezed into one -- I could not help but be intrigued by the question posed by this shirt:

My opinion is that if you have to ask, they are likely not old enough. Perhaps a better question, though, is whether or not you are ready to discuss religion with your cat. After all, if we find out about another God in your life...well, it might not go well.