Tuesday, October 31, 2006

This Should Come as No Surprise

You Are: 0% Dog, 100% Cat
You are are almost exactly like a cat.You're intelligent, independent, and set on getting your way.And there's no way you're going to fetch a paper for anyone!

Other insights:

You Are Expressionism
Moody, emotional, and even a bit angsty... you certainly know how to express your emotions.At times, you tend to lack perspective on your life, probably as a result of looking inward too much.This introspection does give you a flair for the dramatic. And it's even maybe made you cultivate some artistic talents!You have a true artist's temperament... which is a blessing and a curse.

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian
You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead...But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself.You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place.You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

You Should Be A Poet
You craft words well, in creative and unexpected ways.And you have a great talent for evoking beautiful imagery...Or describing the most intense heartbreak ever.You're already naturally a poet, even if you've never written a poem.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Sometimes I Like to Sleep in a Crib

ps - That's a doll crib.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Quote of the Week

For no particular reason, there are lots of quotes this week.

"Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance."
- Plato (427-347 B.C.)

"Plato was a bore."
- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

"Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal."
- Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)

"I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy."
- Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)

"Hemingway was a jerk."
- Harold Robbins

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Thursday Mailbag

No mail this week. I'm forced to go it alone.

Why no mail this week?

Hell if I know.

So what are you doing?

Asking and answering on my own.

So you're talking to yourself.

That's not a question.

Sorry. So you're talking to yourself?

Writing to myself more like. Yes.

Does that make you crazy?

Crazy like bak'ands.

I see. So what kinds of questions would you prefer from readers?

The initial concept of the Thursday mailbag was that it would be an advice column. However, I also welcome questions about me.

From that answer, and from some of your posts, you come across as a little bit full of yourself.

You would be too. If you were me.

But I am you.


Reader questions answered each Thursday. Please direct all questions to the reply section of this post.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Not just a pretty face

After Monday's post about my screen test for 'ER,' I was thinking maybe I was giving the wrong impression about my acting work. I have not sought to simply be arm candy for male leads on primetime shows. For example, here's a still from a screen test I did for a new character on 'NYPD Blue.'

My character was to be named Det. Caren Cuddlesworth and in the above scene, Det's. Jones and Medavoy brought me along to coerce an uncooperative witness. I didn't make it past test audiences again. This time, I think the responses indicated that my presence in the squad made the cast a little too beautiful to be believeable.

I'll never forget the fish lunch I shared with Dennis Franz though. He's every bit as charming as you've heard.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006


I've never been one for pageants and so forth, but one of my peeps put me on KittenWar. As much as I didn't want to look, curiosity got the best of me. Turns out I'm batting about .500.

This is inexcuseable.

It's pretty obvious that any votes against me were cast for one reason and one reason only. Pure jealousy.

Monday, October 23, 2006

(One of my) Brushes with Fame

Having lived in Chicago, I had the occasional opportunity for acting work. I thought I'd gotten a huge break when I screen tested to be Eriq LaSalle's new love interest on ER.

Unfortunately, despite the obvious chemistry and encouraging reaction from the directors and producers, test audiences balked at the idea of an interspecies relationship on prime time television.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Friday Quote

Einstein again:

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
- Albert Einstein

Between this week and last week, I'm pretty sure Einstein either was, or wished he was, a cat.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Thursday Mailbag

Welcome again to the Thursday Mailbag. Let's jump right in!

What do you do when you git a spider caught in your throat?

Lemon --
Thanks for the question! Usually, I swallow it.

How many naps could a black cat take if a black cat could take naps?
--Justin Evans

Justin --
You don't know much about black cats, do you? If a black cat could take naps? Yeah. Okay, bud. Here's a tip: black cats are naps. It's the waking that's a break.

Sheesh! I sense a bit of animosity towards this Vincenzo fellow. Care to let us in on the drama?

Dear marybad--
It's like this. My second home had a doorway into another place very similar to my own. In that place was a cat who looked a lot like me. Every time I saw him, I charged him. And he charged me. He mocked my every move. It went on like this. We never fought, though. We would always run into each other right at the threshold and would subsequently retreat following our collision. One day while looking for him, I noticed that I was looking at myself. The doorway had been replaced by reflective-doored closet and I haven't seen Vincenzo since.

But he still haunts me.


Reader questions answered each Thursday. Please direct all questions to the reply section of this post.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006


Just so you all know, cats do love to be sung to. However, we do not like being sung to while we are in the pan. If, for some reason, you have to sing to us while we're in the pan, here are some songs you absolutely shouldn't sing unless you want us to begin using your pillow for our toileting needs.

"Whoop! (There It Is)" -- Tag Team
"Back That Ass Up" -- Juvenile
"Fat-Bottom Girls" -- Queen
"Keep Pushing" -- REO Speedwagon
"That Smell" -- Lynyrd Skynyrd
"Digging in the Dirt" -- Peter Gabriel
The Kit-Kat jingle ("...break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat bar.")

There are others. Feel free to add to the list, but remember, no singing!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Rainy Tuesday

It's been said that when it rains, the angels are crying.

I think they're crying because they're not cats.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Extreme Makeover

Pretty good weekend overall, but I missed my favorite show: "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition." I'm sure it was a good one, so don't spoil it for me. Anyway, I've applied several times to have my own home made over and I'm not sure what the hold-up has been. They've helped all sorts of people, but unless I've missed an episode, I don't recall them ever helping cats.

So, Producers, here's what I want. A house made of sesal rope and carpet. Among the features of this house, the most important is a large tower at the front with a window through which I can lord over the neighborhood.

To help you visualize the wonderful ratings opportunity, I've mocked up a "MOVE THAT BUS!!!" moment:

That's me in the bottom left. I've drawn a black box around myself to make it easier to spot me. Sure, a yellow box would have been better, but then it wouldn't have been black. Like me.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Quote of the Week

"My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind."
--Albert Einstein

Who knew Einstein was such an enthusiastic member of the Cat Fancy?

PS - As you all know, it's Friday the 13th and I am a black cat. Boo!

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Thursday Mailbag

Despite an encouraging reader response, I am going to answer all of this week's questions.

Dear Schubert Cat,

Where did you get your little fez?

A Concerned Reader

Dear Concerned Reader --

I believe my biggest fan answers your question, or at least offers a theory, below.


Dear Schubert Cat,

Did you knit it with your hands?

Your biggest fan

Dear Biggest Fan --

That's one theory. While it's possible that I knit it with my hands. It's also plausible that it was secreted from my glands.

Still another theory follows.


Attn: Schubert Cat

Did you buy it from a store (or is that just Schubert Lore)?



You've got a lot of nerve. Still, as my biggest enemy, I am heartened that you would give me the benefit of the doubt. Schubert Lore holds that I copped my fez from a store, not that I bought it. In either case, this is false.

In closing, Vincenzo, a warning: Next time you see my face, it will be the last thing you see.


So that's it for this Thursday's mailbag. Keep the theories coming, folks. I will only say this: what may be more telling than where I got my fez, is how I lost it.

Reader questions answered each Thursday. Please direct all questions to the reply section of this post.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

If I drove,

there's only one car I'd drive.

Because I love my world.

PS - Plates would read: Bakands

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

My hands

Not to brag, but I've got perfect egg-shaped hands.

Unfortunately, there is a disappointing lack of work for a cat hand model.

Monday, October 09, 2006

My weekend.

One of my housemates sprayed or peed on the floor.

Nice going, a-hole!

Friday, October 06, 2006

Friday is 'Quote of the Week' Day

"I don’t like animals. It’s a strange thing, I don’t like men and I don’t like animals. As for God, he is beginning to disgust me. "

Samuel Beckett (1906 - 1989), "Molloy", 1951

Yeah? Well same to you, Beckett!

Love, Bailey

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Thursday Mailbag

Today's question comes all the way from Akron, Ohio!

Dear Bailey:

How do you get your edge?


Dear M:

I sugar my shoes.


Reader questions answered each Thursday. Please direct all questions to the reply section of this post.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Wednesday Morning Thoughts

This morning while up to my usual -- waiting for the pan to get scooped prior to my morning movement -- I got to thinking about the bathroom situation with which cats live. It's pretty demeaning when you think about it. Climbing into a small box full of dirty sand and all that. I can't help but feel it's all a bit beneath me (no pun intended).

But then, the bright side.

I could be a dog. I could have marginal (at best) control over my ability to NOT poop all over the house. I could have to go outside and poop on sidewalks and yards and in parks in front of God and everybody. You want to humiliate someone and break their spirit, walk them out in front of their house and make them poop on the sidewalk.

Yep. It could be a lot worse.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006


I spend a lot of time looking out the window. Every now and again, I see other cats. The question is, who's luckier that I'm inside?

Monday, October 02, 2006

Just another Monday...

Not much going on. Woke up and helped everyone out of the house. A little bit of fighting. Naps here and there. I think later I'll sleep in the living room and then maybe in the upstairs bedroom.